A few of the highlights of Halloween 2008:

Would you rather stick your hand in the maw of a man-eating pumpkin than hear/see one more political ad? This guy knows exactly how you feel. Be brave, my peeps. It will all be over soon.

Here, have some nice earwax on swabs–undoubtably, one of the most unappetizing appetizers I have ever seen.

These folks had a nice spread at their Halloween party/housewarming.

But you just can’t beat these “Buried Alive” cupcakes by oh_annalouise (Flickr).

For something less sweet, try Gourmet Mom on the Go’s “Spooky Snake Pizza”.  Check out her short video tutorial on how to make it (very easy).

Feelin’ a little queasy?

Then you should probably avoid looking at shesnuckinfuts’s “Projectile Varmiting Pumpkin” (Flickr). Whoops! Too late.

Want to see something really scary? Check out the Dow Jones pumpkin shown here. Of course, you should also beware of the dreaded puppy-eating pumpkin.

Rose leaves after a winter ice storm in Oklahoma City. Photo credit: glassgrrl_ok, Flickr

Yes, friends, it’s the haaaappiest season of all–when academic librarians go on vacation. For two whole weeks. During the darkest, wintery-est time of the year. Yes, the administration, they mocks us, but we don’t care. ‘Cause we’re on vacation!

I, your friendly scribe, probably won’t be posting again until the week of January 7th unless, by some unlikely turn of events, I get unfettered access to another terminal.

Until then, however, I thought I’d leave you with the following story from a friend of mine, Heather, who now lives in the Big City (aka Seattle) far to the South. She gave me her permission to post it here. To set the stage for you, Heather is a vivacious, twenty-something brunette who works in a jewelry store in a corner of Seattle that, in addition to patrons of the arts, also has its share of colorful street life. But I’ll let her tell it:

We had the best drunk EVER come into the store a few days ago. I didn’t realize he was drunk until I was standing right next to him and could smell the liquor. He peered into the front case and asked to see the sapphire Journey pendant. We don’t have a sapphire Journey pendant. Thinking he couldn’t see that well and meant, perhaps, the Tahitian pearl set around with diamonds, I went to pull that out. He grabbed my wrist and said,

“You got pretty eyes.” Oh, this guy is drunk.
“Thank you sir.

“No, they’re captivating. You should be careful with those things.”
“Is this what you were looking at, sir?”
“No, the sapphires!”

“Sir, these are diamonds.”
“No! No they ain’t…Oh, they ain’t blue. Can I smell them?”

Now, the piece in question was a cubic zirconia floor model of a diamond Journey pendant, so I handed it over, more for my amusement than anything else and, so help me gods, he sniffed the pendant and handed it back to me. I turned to grab a selvyt and clean the piece immediately. The guy looked down at my pants and said,

“Nice pockets, too. Nice eyes and nice pockets.”

Just then, Paul [my boss] came back in the store. I nodded at him and nodded at my strange courtier who had turned his back to us to look in another case. Paul went up to him and asked him if he had decided on anything. The man turned around, looked straight at Paul’s chest, and declared, in complete shock,

“What happened to your tits?!?!?!”

Paul rolled his eyes and came back to join me behind the counter where I could barely contain my laughter. Paul scribbled a note on a piece of paper. It read “This guy is wasted.” No, really? The man tottered around the shop for a while, peering in the cases and then left, admonishing me to keep my eyes closed, lest I start a riot. As soon as he left, I turned to Paul.

“Hey, Paul…Where’d your tits go?”

Paul turned red and said I should go run after that guy and get his phone number. Then he sent me to go get him some coffee. The end.

This is one of those stories I couldn’t make up if I tried. First, however, a little background.

Outside of my city of Hobbiton lies the community of North Pole (its’ real name) and within said community stands the Santa Claus House. The Santa Claus House is a tourist trap–a large and impressive gift shop that plays on the Xmas theme suggested by the name of North Pole. As part of their scheme to induce tourists (and locals, too) to part with their hard-earned dollars, the shop hires local people to dress up as Mr. and Mrs. Claus. The shop also maintains a small petting corral where youngsters can see and scritch some tame reindeer.

One of my niece’s grade school teachers, a young fellow we will call Mr. Kringle, decided to pick up some holiday cash by hiring on as the Merry Old Elf. And he was doing fine until he decided to bond with Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and Vixen. Unfortunately, the reindeer were not in a holly-jolly mood and the moment Mr. Kringle set foot in the corral, they saw red (so to speak) and attacked him. Fortunately, Mr. Kringle was able to escape without serious injury apart from some hoofmarks on his dignity.

I ho-ho-hoed until I shook like a bowl full of jelly when Mother Method told me this story. Personally, nothing makes my holiday season like the reindeer throwing down with Santa. And now some musical commentary to the tune of “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”:

Santa got laid out by some reindeer/Hanging out in the corral Christmas Eve. /You may say that old Rudolph can’t deliver a smackdown/But as for me and Santa, we believe.

Yes, friends, my blog’s reading level has been rated at a junior high school level. Talk about harshing my groove. If you want to check your blog’s reading level (and you know you do), click here.

Speaking of harsh grooves, the treacly Christmas movie season is upon us with a vengeance. If, like me, you find yourself rooting for the Grinch around this time of year, you need a cinematic antidote. The following are my favorite dysfunctional Christmas movie recommendations:

The Family Stone

The storyline of this film can be summed up in one sentence–the Christmas celebration of a liberal hippie family is disrupted when their son brings home his conservative fiance–but it doesn’t come close to conveying the emotional complexity of the film. Although billed as a romantic comedy, I think it’s better described as a touching family drama with romantic and comedic moments. Diane Keaton and Craig Nelson head up a great ensemble cast.

The Lion in Winter (with Patrick Stewart and Glenn Close)

Henry II is holding a Christmas Court where he plans to name his successor. His estranged wife, Eleanor of Aquitaine, wants to see her favorite son, Richard, take the throne. Henry favors his obnoxious younger son, John. Alternately playing both sides against each other is the middle son, Geoffrey. The stage is set for an emotional roller coaster ride. Stewart and Close both give intense performances as parents whose love-hate relationship and continous one-upmanship has destroyed their family. Wonderful costumes, great ensemble cast.

Die Hard (the first one)

But for real fun, nothing says Christmas like blowing up a whole office building. Most people forget that this classic action thriller is set during the holidays. John McClane (Bruce Willis) has come to L.A. to reunite with his estranged wife, Holly (Bonnie Bedelia). He meets up with her at offices of the Nakatomi Corporation where the office Christmas party is in full swing. As he is waiting in her office, terrorists lead by Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman) enter and take everyone hostage. John, barefoot and armed with only a handgun against their automatic rifles, must summons help, save the hostages, and stay alive as he is hunted from floor to floor by the terrorists. Unlike its own sequels and most other action movies, I found “Die Hard” to be tightly plotted, believable, human, and very funny. Most reviews of the movie focus on Alan Rickman’s sinister Hans, but there are solid performances from everybody. Bruce Willis does a good Everyman character as McClane and the late Alexander Godunov exudes a pantherish grace and palpable sense of danger as Karl.