Nothing makes you feel as junior-high-jealous as when another woman has your man, even a man who totally didn’t know that he was yours to begin with.
Let’s be upfront here: Tom Hiddleston and I were never exclusive. I was always going to see other actors; he had his harem of female Twitter fans. We were true to each other in a communal, non-binding sort of way.
Then Tom had the nerve to fall for an actual available female just because she was bright, gifted, beautiful, and funny. Tom, you fool, how could you jeopardize all we had that way?
Now TayTay and I had a deal: she was welcome to date all the other singers and actors that I didn’t know and didn’t care about. All I asked was that she leave a few–ideally the British ones–for the rest of us. I can’t fault Taylor for crushing on Tom. I mean, the guy is tall, handsome, talented, and has a great sense of humor. Together Tom and Taylor could have produced a bevy of genetically perfect children, proving that America and Britain really do have a Special Relationship.
Still, even as I fantasized about pulling Taylor’s cute blond braids, I knew in my heart their love couldn’t last. Hint: any time the press comes up with a cutesy nickname for the couple *coughHiddleswiftcough* you know that the Relationship Apocalypse is nigh. And, sure enough, today the Internet and I received word that the duo is quits.
Welcome back to our virtual arms, Tom! And farewell, Taylor–player’s got to play, play, play. And we and the Internet are just going to shake it off, shake it off.